It's been close to 40 years now and you'd think with the onslaught of the online information highway, we aficionados of all things Manson would have had all the answers to all the questions by now...and yet we don't. And while we don't, and while Charlie's killers are still breathing, I thought it might be a good time to sit down at an imaginary dais table with the entire murderous gang and ask those haunting questions possibly no one has had the courage to ask.
Not to say that I expect answers...
I just feel like I'd better ask those questions before one of you psychopaths kick the bucket, is all, or before I get too old to remember what those questions should be!
Shall we begin?
1) Sadie, Katie, Linda - why go in bare feet to the Tate house? I mean, who goes barefoot to a blood bath? This wasn't the running of the bulls in Pamplona, you know!
2) Why not continue down Cielo Drive and to the next houses, as planned? You had the changes of clothes right there with you, why not use them? I hate going on a trip and not wearing all the clothes I packed, don't you?!
3)Why Buck Knives? Sure, they're sharp, but it seems like the girls stabs were more superficial and messy than fatally accurate, like that of Tex's bayonet...Artistic Affect over Accuracy, I guess...
4)How come no late-night, apres-mort (after-kill) swim in the Tate pool? It would have been refreshing, no?And you could have washed off all that sticky blood from your bodies and your knives and be set anew for the next house, right?
5) Did Charlie have to send you guys on a Friday night to Cielo, of all nights? Why not on a Monday night? Everyone hates Mondays. I know if I'm massacred in my home by "Slippies", I'd want it to be on a Monday...
6) How come you people didn't have knife wounds on your hands after TLB? I mean, L.A. was experiencing a heat wave that week and your hands must have got sweaty and slippery with each bloody slash and stab you made. Even O.J. had a cut on his knuckle! Did Charlie train you guys THAT well?
7) George was legally blind but not legally deaf...how did you keep the TLB murders from ol' George? Or better yet, how did you keep The Family connection away from the TLB murders, away from George? Thanks for all your efforts, Squeaky!
8) Why not take your Bucks with you to the LaBianca home, too? How come you guys had no killing consistency?
9) Charlie, you had Tex take 43'8" of rope to Tate but all you were armed with were the leather thongs around your neck to tie up the LaBiancas? Please don't tell me you were plumb out of rope too? Gosh, things were getting tough for you people, weren't they? I mean, I know if it had been me, I'd be in the killing mood if I were outta rope, too!
10) Sadie, did you, or did you not, use that purple scarf, found on the lawn near Voytek, to write the word "PIG" in Sharon Tate's blood? People out here in Webland are dying (okay not actually dying) to know!
11) After the Tate rampage, did those milkshakes taste good? What flavor were they? Chocolate over Strawberry, I bet, right? I mean, you'd probably seen enough red for one night, huh?
12) Tex, how did you know which wires to cut at Cielo? How could you tell which one was, say, the phone over the lights, or did ya care either way? At least you didn't cut the cord to the Garage bug light...Good On Ya Bro!
13) Tex, did you and Sadie get nosebleeds after snorting that coke? I know people who have...just wondered?
14) Sadie, if you and Mary were making a cup of tea in Gary's kitchen while Bobby was stabbing Gary, did you have time to drink the tea or did it just get cold? I hate cold tea, don't you?!
15) Bobby, why did you have to fool around with guys? Why be a bisexual at all? You were so cute; it just seems a shame, is all? Mind you, none of Charlie's girls were that stunning, were they? And some of the guys were downright adorable...I can see your dilemma, really I can!
16) But Kenneth Anger? Man, Bobby, where was your head on that one? Yuck!
17) Whoever it was - Tex or Katie - why did you have to slash the cheeks of Gibby and Sharon? You know, those kinds of cuts don't heal well after you're dead? You do know that, huh? And no amount of mortician make-up could allow for an open-casket funeral...thanks a bunch!
18) Bruce, why didn't you offer up to the authorities the whereabouts of Shorty Shea's grave? And pleeezzz stop saying you never knew where he was dumped! Of course, you KNEW, boy! It could have been your Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free Card, Man! And to think it was Clem who was considered of diminished mental capacity! I think ol' Clem was the brightest bulb on the Manson string of lights, wouldn't you agree?
19) Hey, Katie, you did a magnificent job writing the word "WAR" on Leno's stomach! No, really! Did you have to take skin calligraphy lessons ahead of time or is that just a natural talent you have?
20) Leslie, Katie, why cheese and chocolate milk? I mean, the LaBiancas were Italian, no? Rosemary must have had some leftover Zitti in the fridge...sure it would have taken time to warm up in the oven but it would have been worth it, right?
21) How come NONE of the Tate nor Labianca dogs attacked you people? Christopher was seen by Sadie through the Tate living room window and he ran away and Leslie, Katie, I think you pet the LaBianca dog, didn't you? I guess animals really can sense a dog-lover in the room, huh? And now, Katie, you train seeing-eye dogs, doncha? Ahhh, the irony and the ecstasy!
22) Sadie, what is with all this defecation habituation? First, on the doorstep of Saladin's apartment block, then, you get the whole gang caught out at Barker when you took a leak outside of one of the lookout bunkers, wearing a bright red hat, of all things! Maybe that's why Christopher the Dog ran away from you...he sensed you were a being who left her mark wherever she went!
23) Why not give Gary some Aspirin for the pain, at the very least? Yeah, I know, there was no Tylonel or Motrin back then....Didn't Gary have some ASA in his bathroom cabinet? Or some weed stashed in his VW van? How 'bout lit scented candles, low-lighting and some mood music at least? Geez, you guys were cruel!
24) Tex, how come Parent's Rambler was in 2nd gear instead of Park? Did you remember to put on the emergency brake after you blew Steve's brains out and reversed the car to its resting position? I don't think you did! Tisk! Tisk! That could have been dangerous for ol' Steve, huh?!
25) Charlie, IF you guys couldn't discover the entrance to the Underground Utopia in Devil's Hole, what was Plan B? I thought maybe you could have had the Girls sew up some costumes that looked like large cacti, and when the Fuzz came 'round to get you for that 'Dozer burn , you people could have stood like succulent sentries and never be discovered! Yeah, sure, it woulda been a long shot but I saw it done once in the Roadrunner cartoon show and the coyote NEVER found the roadrunner!